A Teen Gay's Essay

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

History of my Life
Aldrin Justin L. Go, March 19th 2010

As mentioned above my full name is Aldrin Justin Go but you can call me AJ or Jazz for short, either of the two is fine. I was born in Narra, Palawan at the year 1993 and I’ve spent most of my life in Puerto Princesa, the provincial capital. One can easily assume I’m a na├»ve country boy but let me warn you that I’m much more than you expect.

I spent my early childhood studying at Palawan Hope Christian School (PHCS or Hope for short), said to be the premiere and only Chinese school in Palawan. Once again you can easily think I come from a wealthy family but that isn’t always the case. I’m not impoverished or deprived yet my family isn’t filthy rich either. It just so happened they can afford to send me to a private Chinese school.

When I was at a tender age of four I already felt “different” feelings, feelings that a boy or eventually a man like me isn’t supposed to feel – attraction towards the same sex. At first I feared it. I feared so many things about myself, that I may be abnormal or worse with mental problems. Since Hope was a Christian school it was in their doctrine not to tolerate homosexuality and anything relevant to it. I also came to think that I was probably evil since I was feeling something the religion of my school is prohibiting but what can I do? I can’t control these feelings. I was simply born to feel this way.

I was still enrolled at Hope when I entered elementary school and these “feelings” never went away. My parents were even commenting they could see hints of gayness in me – my actions, my behavior, my personality and basically everything about me. Thankfully they both fully accepted my status as a 100% gay and didn’t pressure me to be “normal.”

There even came a time I had a crush on a boy a few years older than me. I was in Grade 5 and he was in his senior year in high school. I wasn’t able to keep it a secret and my classmates and also my teachers found out about it. Since then they wouldn’t stop teasing me about my homosexuality. Because of that incident I thought negatively of myself and the people around me. My self-esteem was poorer than the grades on a drop-out’s report card. I developed the nobody-understands-me syndrome which I think many teens are plagued with. I came to think that the world is cruel and evil.

I could no longer take all the teasing and ridicule from my classmates that I transferred to Holy Trinity College (HTC, now Holy Trinity University) on the second year of my high school life. My environment there was reversed. The people there were more liberal and open-minded. I met friends who were fellow gays and I found acceptance everywhere I went. For once I felt the sweet taste of freedom and peace of mind. I felt the luxury of just being who I am without having to hide or worry about what other people think.

Unfortunately it was also at HTC that I experienced many vices that a teenager is tempted into such as smoking, underage drinking and cutting classes. So strong was the peer pressure that I couldn’t resist those vices even if I knew all along they would lead to my ruin. What was important was my friends accepted me and be “cool” in their image. The worst of these vices was getting into a same-sex relationship.

*Zac was my first boyfriend and I was madly in love with him. My whole world revolved around him and all that mattered was to please him and to be with him. I turned a blind eye to the fact that he was simply using me for my money and other “freebies.” I assumed he would change and love me for real if I continued our secret relationship. Yet no matter how long I waited, he never reciprocated my feelings and he remained wanting my possessions and not my love.

My bittersweet relationship with Zac wasn’t kept a secret for long. My mom found out when she borrowed my cellphone to send a text message and little did I know she read my inbox. She was outraged when she found out I was dating someone of my sex and forced me to break up with him. She threatened to tell my dad if I didn’t let Zac go.

But I loved Zac so much. He was my life and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. I was so devastated about my parents’ refusal to support my happiness. I rebelled against them by running away to Brooke’s Point for a year. I had no choice but to let my beloved go. After all we wouldn’t be seeing each other often anymore. I managed to make a living by working as a saleslady at a bakery with a measly salary of Php 1,500 a month. It was basically a struggle for survival for a year. I couldn’t take the rogue lifestyle anymore that I called my mom from Narra to fetch me.

I regretted everything I did. From getting into vices to having a user boyfriend, from cutting classes to running away from home and taking a year off school. My parents forgave me for all my wrongdoings and allowed me to renew my life. That’s when my education at San Francisco Javier College began.

*Name changed to protect privacy
*Written for a friend’s assignment

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Jiea Dee
Journalism graduate who became a seller of auto parts rather than a writer, her dream career. She has then revised her plan to make turn writing, instead of a living, to a hobby.
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